What's your ambition?

I don't want the things I'm supposed to want. I don't want a big fancy house filled with expensive things. I don't lust after clothes, watches, cars, stuff. I dont want things. They feel like weight..

I don't want the things I'm supposed to want. I don't want a big fancy house filled with expensive things. I don't lust after clothes, watches, cars, stuff. I dont want things. They feel like weight to me. Like ropes that tie us like quicksand, like tar pits, slowing me down, sucking time and energy.

What's wrong with me? Why don't I want those things? Why work so much if Im not trying to get all the things that other people want? Am I really just not acting like a grown up? Living like I do out of a backpack, traveling. I do wonder sometimes.

I work a lot. I love making things. I love learning and challenging myself. I love nothing more than spending my time doing something that I dont know how to do. But what is ambition if not for those things? For me ambition is about creation. I am ambitious for the act itself. I want to finish what I started, and Im not going to pretend I dont want what I create to be successful, but I also know that there is never a moment when something feels complete or done or that it "worked". My experience has taught me that the process is really the satisfying part, that the learning and challenge of creation is what is actually satisfying.

Money to me is for freedom. Money is the ability to explore and grow and keep moving forward. Money is so I can keep making things I care about and keep growing. Money is time and freedom to decide how to spend what little time we have. Money is not needing to do what other people want me to do. To explore strange ideas and spend time sitting in cafes drawing and thinking about them. Money buys space. Why would I waste it on things?

I remember when I got my first front page story for forageSF. Id started it not that long before, and it was just me, foraging lots of random weeds from around The Bay, driving up to Humbolt to buy chanterelles in Burger King parking lots at 1am (you'd be amazed how similar mushroom purchasing is to drug purchasing) and knocking on the back doors of restaurants to convince chefs to buy them. Then I got approached by SF Weekly and they had a reporter spend a week with me just seeing what I did. I thought Id made it. This was IT. Once this was published things wouldnt be hard anymore, my business would explode, everything would be easy, I would feel like I made it.

That didnt happen. And it didnt happen after the hundreds of other articles or the cover of the NYTimes or the spread in Vogue or getting on two Travel Channel shows or the TedX talk or being named a Local Hero or top 30 most innovative people in San Francisco (I know Im sounding braggy but Im really trying to make a point!). None of that made me feel any better long term, and weren't ultimately what I was after (of course I didnt know that at the time). Ambition to possess, whether thats fame or things, doesnt satisfy, I know that.

So what am I actually ambitious for? What should we be ambitious for? Are the things I want things we choose to want? Or are we all just trying to get as many gold stars from teacher as we can before we die?

I do have ambition, but my ambition has always been around expansion. Im ambitious to push myself out of places that feel too comfortable. Ambitious to be more comfortable in my own skin. Ambitious to learn how to connect with people in a way that feels more true. Im ambitious to make things that help people be their best selves. Ambitious to explore, and to put myself into situations and with people that teach me new ways of being a human. Im ambitious to see the world. Im ambitious to love deeply on my own terms, and really listen when people talk. Ambitious to learn and see all the ways there are to be human, and in doing so, realize that the way I am, no matter what that is, is ok.

Im ambitious to trust that the path Im on is the right one, even if it doesnt always feel that way. Ambitious to be more honestly myself in all situations. Ambitious to not let my anxiety hold me back from being kind to people. Im ambitious to be nicer to people that I dont have to be nice to. Ambitious to be more understanding of people who arent good at the things Im good at. Im ambitious to create things that help people be more truly themselves, and to spend their time creating things that really matter to them. Im ambitious to leave the world a little better than I found it, and ambitious to leave this world a bit better than I came in.

Thanks for reading. I really appreciate it.

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Travel notes:

Still in Saigon for a few days before Hong Kong before France. I was riding my motorbike from boxing class last night and kept thinking how Saigon is like a dream. So much activity, so much life everywhere you look. Women pushing carts, people selling, groups eating and drinking, families with babies out at midnight, motorbikes everywhere bursting onto sidewalks. The signs: vibrant, creative color trying to catch the eye as you ride past - Pho Bo Com Tam Bun Bo Hue Banh Mi Thit Hu Tieu Nam Vang Goi Cuon Bun Thit Nuong Banh Xeo Chao Long Lau.

So much color and noise and input. And yet somehow totally peaceful. All this motion but so little tension. Makes it easy to observe without getting swept away.